Please... don't hurt me anymore.

Assalamualaikum to all my dear friends.

How's everyone these days? Hopefully life is getting better and better for all of us in every aspects of it. More important, if our life is getting better in a spiritual way and we become more pious and religious while we struggle with all the daily chores as human on this planet.

This morning when I was driving to work, I listened to Maher Zain's Insyaallah all the way from home to my office. Yes, the same song keep repeating itself on and on. Well, actually that was my own doing, lol. I am a bit in a down mood lately. I summarized it down to the after effect of moving house and starting my new term at university.

No, I'm just bluffing. 

I don't know... sometimes certain people can really make me hurt inside. I am quite sad when yesterday, my colleagues were talking about how easy for them to get pregnant and they sound like they were boasting about it in front of me who are not blessed yet with child. They know about me and how sensitive I was about the issue but I can't blame them. They are right!

Anyway, people's mouth can just cannot be shut up. Maybe out of envy and my own hurtful experiences, all the talking makes my mood really bad and all day long I just kept quiet. And I just kept doing that even though I am back at home. I was supposed to be the happy wife, active and lively so that my husband wouldn't know that I am dispirited.

However things got worse. After praying my Asr, the water tank broke and I just sobbed into my prayer cloth... silently. Don't want hubby to know about it because then I'll make him sad and he is not very patient with sadness. Better to suffer alone. No one will really understand except Allah Subhanahuwata'ala. 

Then late yesterday's afternoon, my 8-months-pregnant sister came home. I just couldn't take it anymore and kept to myself inside my room, reading the Qur'an and not talking at all with anyone including Hubby. He's so busy with his work. I bet he don't even notice me. Not until Thomas Cup, Uber Cup and whatever 'cups' will finish then he'll be as usual again. And ... that might be long after World Cup.

Where was I? Oh, the pregnancy issue. I know, I'm trying to be tough. I succeeded but only to some extend. When people keep harrasing me with he the same questions, insinuating me, and saying I'm not fertile... The word infertile is very very very hurtful. I think I might explode... soon. But alhamdulillah, never to that extend yet because I always cool my anger and hurt down with istighfar and just get myself away from those people.

I keep praying everyday and every time that Allah remembers me and my pleas. I pray that He loves me enough to bless me with a fertile womb. I am trying and if I have enough money I'm considering IVF. The fatwa has come out that Muslims can also do IVF by following certain rules. Yes, I know... and I already research, read and even attended a seminar about it. But right now, it's not possible. The cost is way too high.

I forgive those people who hurt me either intentionally or not because at the end of the day, it's between me and my Lord.